L'Amour Prohibé
by wildewoodblossom
Summary: Kaoru has fallen for his twin, Hikaru, but Hikaru doesn't know about it...yet! Kaoru fears rejection and struggles to continue with daily life and his forbidden love and then someone new stumbles into the Host Club...? Will Kaoru come out to his love?
1. Ever Present

**Hey guys!  
Got a new fanfic for you! IT'S HIKARUxKAORU!!! :D**

**YAYS!!!  
DISCLAIMER!!!!: i do not own Ouran High School Host Club characters...and there is some yaoi in here!!!**

**ENJOY AND REVIEW PLEASE!!**

**~Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood :D  
**

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Chapter 1: Ever-Present

I stay wide awake staring at his calm expression. My soft hands lay on his smooth chest that rises and falls evenly. He is so serene in this moment, and so handsome I want to just kiss every inch of his jaw line and down his neck and maybe…_damnit! _ I did not just think that! I huff softly and look towards the window to our bedroom. The sun is beginning to rise stretching its red and purple rays of heavenly light towards our floor-to-ceiling windows. I look back down at Hikaru and the rays of light reflect off of his dark, crimson hair and illuminate his radiant face. _He seems so peaceful…_

I hate it when the sun comes because it means the end of our closeness. It means that we _have _to get out of bed, and I can not stare at him absently any longer. It's not fair, being in love with your twin. Some might say I'm a narcissist because Hikaru and I are identical, but I can assure you, while we might look alike, there are subtle physical differences and _major_ psyche differences. From a distance, we look identical, but if you are up close to us like to shake one of our hands you could distinguish our slight physical differences.

Ever since we joined the Host Club, we have begun to look less and less alike. Hikaru wanted us to get our characters to look less of an _act_ and more like_ reality._ So, he weight-lifts toning his muscles and therefore has larger muscles than me. He is also is working on a six-pack, or at least, that's what he tells me. As for me, he wanted me to become smaller, in a healthy manner of course. Typical Hikaru, always thinking that I would do something for him that would harm me. Well, he was right. For a period of time I was anorexic and only bulimic when I was forced to eat food. I lost thirty five pounds and hospitalized for three weeks. I was scary skinny. Now, I'm just skinnier than Hikaru, and I probably weigh twenty pounds less than him. Yep, it's been hard to regain my weight; I just don't feel hungry_ ever_ anymore, and as you can imagine, Hikaru blames himself. _Idiot_. He might have given me the idea, but he does not control how I care for myself, although he would like to.

Also, his hair has grown a darker, red-auburn color. Mine is still the brilliant red, strawberry-blonde. Ironically, that occurred naturally. Hikaru says that it is because I don't go outside that much because my skin is also milky white while his is a pale tan. I don't know, maybe he's right.

I wish every morning could be like this one. Where I wake up in his arms, but I know that all good things in life never last. I know that I can not keep him all to myself (even though I would like to), for he will come across someone someday that he loves more than me. That day will come and it will be painful; just thinking about it makes my heart constrict painfully.

Oh, God. Oh, God! I have to get up, out of these loving arms! They torment me, for they will not hold me forever! This is just a blissful interim, before the heart break and strife comes in the form of Hikaru's destined life-partner, man or woman, I'm not sure. I suspect that it would be a woman. He is going to want a family: a wife, and kids; heirs to the vast company that he will inherit from our father. And little me…what would happen to me? I would…I would…kill myself…

_Why do I act this way? Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I love him more than I should?_

I love his sarcastic, mischievous grin that he gives me when he is scheming something _devious_. I love the fact that no matter what position he poises himself, he always looks cool and nonchalant. Above all, I love his eyes. Yes, we are identical twins, but like I said before there are some differences. His eyes are like liquid gold that are just dripping with animation, youthfulness, and incandescence.

_Hikaru, Hikaru, Hikaru…_

This is terrible! I can't be in _love_ with my twin! It's not right! My breathing accelerates and hitches. I can't breathe! These arms are only temporary; he doesn't love me the way I love him. Why should he? It's disgusting! He's: a boy, my best friend, my older brother, and _my twin_. It's so wrong; I can't live with myself and my desires. I can not love him like this. It's immoral. _Forbidden_. I need to get up; I need cleanse myself!

There must be a God because as all this runs through my mind, Hikaru rolls over onto his stomach releasing me from his iron hold. I immediately feel insecure and cold, but I thank God Almighty for giving me such good fortune. Now, I can get out of bed without disturbing or worrying my twin. I need to get away from him! My thoughts are becoming inappropriate, and I can feel my groin twitch. Without delay yet cautiously, I remove myself from our enormous bed. I look back and confirm that Hikaru is still sleeping, then run to our bathroom where I silently shut the door and lock it.

I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes threatening to fall. I struggle to hold them back sniffling all the while. Our psyches are really different. I am quiet, kind, polite, emotional, and probably more mature than him. Hikaru is more rambunctious, funny, controlling, stubborn, and…protective. That's when I lost it; I let the tears fall. I turn on the shower to a really hot temperature and strip off all my clothes. When I step in, a small yelp escapes me because the water is scalding; however, my body is cold and quickly adapts to the temperature. I scrub my hair with my special shampoo and conditioner, and then I lather my body with a vanilla-cream body wash. I am still crying because the cold, hollowness inside me grows whenever I am too far from Hikaru. I hate how I want to be with him and how I can not be without him. It's so conflicting. I try not to think about being in his embrace and other naughty thoughts, but they do not leave me, ever. The thoughts sicken me and I vomit in the shower. The pungent taste of bile in my mouth and its smell in my nostrils does not make the feeling of shame and self-loathing go away.

I wash out the shower and rinse my mouth out thoroughly. Then, I feel to the shower floor and begin to sob. I let all my pain and strife pour out through my tears and shudders. I sit in the piercingly hot water turning my skin red, yet I feel colder than I have in years.

_He doesn't love me like that! I'm disgusting! Stop thinking like this! Just go away…disappear…_I repeat this to myself over and over again rocking back in forth in the fetal position.

"Kaoru? Are you alright? I thought I heard you scream…" Hikaru's voice called through the locked door as if to torment me further.

Quickly, I turn off the water and step out of the shower.

"Kaoru?"

I dry myself hurriedly and wrap a soft, white towel around my waist loosely.

"Kaoru!? Why's the door locked?" Hikaru yells. I can detect his concern and alarm in his voice, and by the way he is jiggling the door handle incessantly.

"Kaoru! Why won't you answer me?!"

Taking a deep breath, I open the locked door as the steam from my shower billows out into the bedroom.

There he is. His lightly tan, bare torso and toned muscles glinting in the now rising sun. His vibrant eyes are full of worry. He can not know what I am feeling. He would reject me.

Once the steam dissipates, and he can see me clearly, his eyes widen slightly. I blush at the sight of him and I clutch the towel around my waist. I keep my eyes focused on my feet.

"I'm alright, I just stepped into the shower and it was too hot so I cried out. Sorry if I woke you," I say to him softly looking up when I finish. His eyes relax and he gives me that smirk, and all of his worries are gone like the steam.

"Oh, that's ok. You are my alarm-clock any way. I'm just glad you're okay. I was almost tempted to knock the door down to make sure you hadn't fallen or something," He says sheepishly grinning and scratching the nape of his neck.

"I'm sorry" I say pathetically. I begin to blush because he hasn't moved from the doorway.

Then he gives me his infamous smirk. _What are you plotting?_

He picks me up in his strong arms and I gasp. I am caught off guard and my cheeks redden. His warmth heats my body right to its core, more than the shower ever could, accelerating my heart-rate. He easily carries me over to the bed and gently but forcibly throws me down on it.

"Hik-kar-r-ru? What ar-re yo-you doin-ng?" I stutter trembling uncontrollably turning a deeper shade of red.

He smirks at me clearly enjoying my complete shock, embarrassment and helplessness. He clenches my soft, white towel and wrenches it off of me revealing my small, quivering, nude body to him. I turn tomato-red. He just smirks again and throws the towel over his shoulder.

"I needed to get into the bathroom and you were in the way," he says looking down at me like it should be clear why he did it. I can feel his eyes roaming across my exposed body making me shudder with pleasure. _Damnit_! I hope he has not noticed or mistaken it for me trembling.

"Thanks for the towel, _babe_. Now get dressed for school. Make sure everything's covered so we don't have anybody stealing glances at you, but who could blame them?"

He laughs and crosses back over to the bathroom amused by his prank. He closes the door and I hear the shower turn on. I am still quivering. Hikaru has seen me nude before. Hell, we have even bathed more than a dozen times before in the past, but this felt different. I don't ever recall him pulling a sexual stunt like that and removing my garments. He has tried at the Host Club before, but that was part of the act. I don't know why, but I felt violated. If Hikaru and I were dating, I would have no problem with him taking control and removing my clothes; I would welcome it. However, his actions this morning I know are just pranks. They have classic Hitachiin humor written all over them: _Make others feel awkward and uncomfortable._ He has never done that purposefully to me though…

Silently, I cry again and get dressed. I wish that he would be able to make this pain all go away, but I know that it is not allowed. It shouldn't even be allowed in my immoral thoughts and dreams…but they are…and they are ever-present. Ever day, I long for us to be together even more. I need to stop. This is blasphemous! Hikaru…I love you!

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**LOVE YOU ALL!! =)**

**Love, Dauphine  
**


	2. For Now

**Hey guys! It's me again bringing you chapter 2 to L'Amour Prohibé!!!  
This continues where the last chapter left off with the twins getting ready for school and their journey to school :)  
Thank you all to those who reviewed! they were helpful ;)**

**DISCLAIMER: Again, i don't own the ouran high school host club characters, and there is some subtle hints of yaoi in this chapter :D  
Please, read and enjoy! Reviews are always welcomed! :D  
Thank you!  
Love,  
Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood  
**

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Chapter 2: For Now…

I go downstairs and wait for my brother in the dining room. For our act in the Host Club, I dress myself in more feminine clothes because I am the 'uke' in our "Brotherly Love" Act. I wear tight black dress pants with black flats. My mother's a world-renowned fashion designer and helps our club out with clothing and costumes for our events. She has altered my blue blazer to be more European and fitting to my torso accentuating my lithe, small body. I guess you could say Hikaru is bulkier than me since he weight-lifts. My white dress shirt underneath the blazer is also tight-fitting and made with a smooth, satin material. Then, my mother gave me a vanilla body wash and spray that completes my _ensemble_.

I enter the dining room to find my father home from his recent business trip to London. Out of courtesy, I greet him with a soft hello and a bow. I probably see him once a month and every time it is painful to look at him because I can see the shame he has for me in his eyes. He sighs and shakes his head in my direction and goes back to working on his laptop. If mother wasn't in America right now, she would have snapped at him. She likes to dress me up like this, and I need to for our act in the Host Club. _So get off my back, old man._

I sit down at my seat along the long dining table and the maids serve me toast, oatmeal, a fruit salad, and tea. This is something that I hate about my household. My mother and brother feel I don't eat enough because I am underweight, but they don't get it. I'm just_ not hungry_. I have become less and less inclined to eat lately because of my self-loathing. My head is always off somewhere else that I just forget about hunger and the need to eat. Is it my fault? Well, yes, but I just can't help the fact that my love for Hikaru is killing me on the inside.

I. Want. To. Tell. Him. ...but I can't.

I can't do that because he would cast me away, and the one thing I fear more than him finding someone else is his hatred for me that I know he would feel if he found I out that I am in love with him. In order to do anything at home or at school, I have to at least to eat a little bit of food to appease the feeding 'Nazis'.

Reluctantly, I force myself to eat one piece of toast, ignore my oatmeal, and start picking at my fruit salad. After another minute, Hikaru walks into the dining room, bows politely to our father (_and he nods his approval to Hikaru_), and takes his seat next to me. He steals my bowl of untouched oatmeal knowing that I won't eat it, and he starts to dig in. His breakfast consists of: oatmeal, eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee. He _is_ a bottomless pit.

I bring the cup of tea to my lips and take a sip. It's the perfect temperature and the maids made my favorite: Lemon tea with a little spot of honey. I smile into the cup. Such a small thing like my favorite tea made to the way I like it brings a glimmer of happiness into my dead soul. However, every swallow of the warm liquid is like trying to force a large lump of coal down my throat. I know it's just me holding back even more tears. _Haven't I cried myself out yet?_ Just sitting next to him reminds me of what I can not and will never have. It is so painful that I choke on tears. It is my weakness, my emotions. They make me so pathetic and meek that my father is ashamed of me. He is ashamed of how I dress myself and how I act more feminine. My father took me out of his will two years ago when Hikaru and I turned fourteen. He is going to bequeath his entire clothing/retail company that owns most of the major clothing distributors in the world to Hikaru. My mother designs clothes and distributes and sells them through our father. He thinks that I am a girl and he probably wishes that he could disown me, but my mother and Hikaru would never allow that. They would give him hell. _So what if I act like a girl! I do all this for Hikaru and the Host Club, but mostly for Hikaru! I love him so just go away! You bastard…_I tell myself this all the time when I'm in my father's presence. I sigh and put my fork down losing my appetite.

Hikaru notices that I've stopped eating and he quickly finishes up his breakfast. Then, he turns to look at me with his big, luscious eyes.

"Kaoru, aren't you hungry?" he says delicately but concern is leaking in his voice.

"I'm full. You know that I am. I'm sorry I don't have a bottomless pit," I reply a bit flippantly. I get very easily cranky when people bother me about my eating habits. I eat when I feel hungry. That's that.

"Sorry," Hikaru says looking a bit hurt as he bites his lower lip and moves to stand up. I immediately feel bad and stand up too. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close to me snuggling my face into his chest. I can feel him smiling as he nuzzles his face into my hair.

"No, I am sorry. I know you are just worried about me," I say softly breathing in his scent which is strictly his. It's a mix of muskiness and cinnamon. He is like a god of sexual enticement. _A freakin' GOD!_ I immediately feel horny as he returns the embrace pulling us even closer. It's funny how our bodies mold together, as if we were meant for each other. I am too forgone now to mentally curse myself or punish myself. I have died and gone to heaven. Life is complete and Hikaru's light and warmth flow through my frozen-over veins. However, all good things end too soon and Hikaru withdraws from the hug and I, reluctantly, follow suit.

"We should get going or else we will be late," he says with half a grin and I know right away that he has forgiven me but I will have to pay for it. _What does he want?_ I can feel the thousands of needles puncturing my once fluttering heart that begins to freeze over again as he walks out of the dining room. I follow behind slowly, clutching at my heart. It hurts so much that I could cry again, but I don't, thankfully. I follow him out to the Mercedes-Benz limousine waiting for us in the driveway. He gets in first, then me. I set my bag down on the car floor, and look out the window. I can't look at him. It will just bring false hope into my tormented heart. I don't think I can handle this.

"Kaoru, what is the matter? You have been acting strange all morning. Was it because of something I said or did? Please, Kaoru, please tell me. You can tell me _anything_. I'm your twin."

He's pleading with me. _Why_? Because I am not looking at him and I am not returning the squeezes he gives my hand. That is how he gets comforted, when we hold hands. It's his way of being reassured that I'm here and everything is alright. _Well everything is not fucking alright; I'm in love with you!_ I scream at him telepathically hoping that he would pick up the frequency. He doesn't, but can I blame him?

I am nullifying my senses and emotions. All I can ever think about is my undying love and want for Hikaru, which is forbidden. So, I will deaden my heart, mind, and body to make me stop feeling these immoral thoughts and impulses.

"I'm just sore and tired, Hikaru," I lie to him and he knows that I am lying. He goes silent, the anger and frustration building in him; I can sense that.

He lets go of my unresponsive hand and crosses his arms with a huff. I begin to feel a sharp pain in my chest again, and I feel guilty for treating him like this; he doesn't deserve this treatment, the cold shoulder. What can I do? I don't want him to know, but it's torturous to pretend like I don't _want_ and _love_ him more than I should. He turns to look out the window, and I can tell he is biting back what he wants to say (or probably yell). It is evident from the way he twitches every other minute and by the way his brow is furrowed as if he is trying to think of what he wants to say without being harsh. My heart weeps and cries on the inside for treating him like this, and I am desperately trying to nullify it. _No._ I will not let my emotions overwhelm me. Apathy is not who I am, but it is who I need to be in order to forget these wrong feelings of desire.

The limo pulls up in front of Ouran Academy and our driver opens Hikaru's door. Hikaru quickly gets out of the car shutting the car door behind him, and to my surprise, he wraps around to my side of the car. I was certain that he was going to just stalk off to class and remain frustrated with me all day. Hikaru opens my door and extends his hand inside the car towards me. _I should have known that I wouldn't be that lucky._ Nervously but happily, I grab my bag and give him my free hand, and he pulls me out of the car and into his warm, strong embrace of iron. There is no escape. I can feel my insides responding to his touch instantaneously. There is no use in trying to deaden or freeze over my thoughts and emotions. They are being fueled and running rampantly through-out my body now because he is holding me tightly. I am in a state of bliss. _Please, don't let go of me._ All I want is to remain eternally warm in his arms; I don't want to be cold. He has buried his face again in my hair, and he is taking in huge breaths and hugging me tighter.

"I'm sorry," he whispers kissing the top of my head and pulling back from me slightly to look at my face.

I feel the guilt overwhelming me. _Don't be sorry!_

"For what?" I say sadly and barely audible, but he hears me. I was feeling very confused and upset that he was apologizing to _me_ when it should have been the other way around.

"I forgot to say 'I love you' this morning," Hikaru says with a small smile. He leans forward and kisses my forehead and I feel the tears coming again as he repeats, "I love you."

I'm full out crying now. _Damn my sensitivity…_

"Hikar-ru," I mumble with a ragged breath. He's got me speechless looking at me in the eyes and wiping away my tears with his thumb, "I love you, too, Nii-san." _More than you know…_

He smiles and gives me another quick, breath-taking hug before he lets go and holds onto my hand lacing our fingers together. Then, with his free hand, he takes my book bag and throws it over his shoulder. Hikaru never carries anything to and from school except homework, but I always carry my book bag filled with everything from books to homework to notebooks, etc.

"Hikaru, you don't have to do that, really—" I begin to say but he interrupts me.

"Yes, I do. You are my little brother and you don't need to carry anything while I'm around," he says lightly. Then he smirks and adds, "Except maybe you could carry some pepper-spray so that no one can ever try to take you away from me on those rare days that I'm not around!"

I look at him incredulously and slap his arm lightly as he chuckles. He is joking with me again, although part of me actually thinks he is being very serious in a subtle manner.

I smile lightly feeling like we had gone back to our old selves, but I know that I can't stay like this. However, I _can _bask in his warmth, touch and smiles…_for now…_

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**So, what do you think so far? Let me know! REVIEWS please!!! **

**oooooooooooooooooo! it's getting good, trust me!!**

**Love you all!**

**~Dauphine  
**


	3. My Hell

**HELLO!!!!!!!!!!**

**I'm so sorry for not updating for so long, it's been one hell of a summer :)  
(too bad it's over :[)**

**Well, i'm back with the update to L'Amour Prohibe! i'm continuing where i left off: the twins at school.  
Next chapter will be at the Host Club/Home, i believe...**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Ouran High School Host Club characters.  
**

**So Sit back, relax, read and enjoy the third chapter of this sad, yet enticing story of Kaoru's undying forbidden love for Hikaru :)  
Love you all,  
Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood**

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Chapter 3: My Hell

_Être: je suis, tu es, il/elle/on est, nous sommes, vous êtes, ils/elles sont…_

_C'est très facile. Qu'est-ce qu'on doit faire suivant? _

Français. It's so easy for me. I'm always so bored during this period, right before Hikaru, Haruhi and I have our lunch break. I try to pay attention and take notes, but we never get far in the course because of the un-participative students. It really gets annoying when our teacher makes us repeat simple tasks such as easy verb conjugations. I'm not trying to sound like a 'know-it-all', but quite frankly, our class is just completely and utterly hopeless when it comes to learning French. I excel in this class because my mother is always taking Hikaru and me to France when she debuts a new line of fashion. Unfortunately, this does not help Hikaru, for he still struggles immensely like the rest of the class. Haruhi and I seem to be the only French-comprehending students…

Today, our teacher, Mme Rénauld, is going on about the importance of conjugating verbs with the correct subject pronouns _and_ annunciating them correctly. The tall, French-style windows are opened to the cool air outside, and a soft breeze gently drifts through our classroom. I begin to doodle on the edge of my notebook after Mme Rénauld checks my work and moves on to Haruhi and Hikaru. I begin to draw a little mouse which makes me fondly think of the time Hikaru and I found a baby mouse in our mansion's ballroom. We decided to play a prank and put it in our mother's jewelry box. When she returned home the next day and found the mouse, (which the poor thing must have been hyperventilating) she screamed her head off. Hikaru and I were given beatings, but to this day, we both agreed it was worth it to see our mother in such hysterics.

I smile at the thought of our childhood, our innocence, and our closeness. That is what I miss the most about my dear brother: the close bond that I shared with him. I long for those nights where we would sneak out of the mansion to get out of 'time-out', hurry to the huge willow by our pond, and cuddle in each other's arms in the moonlight. He would always snuggle his face into my hair and I would snuggle into the crook of his neck. This would calm our racing hearts and settle our trembling bodies. We would reach our state of euphoria and feel complete; safely away from our punishment.

I shudder slightly and wrap my arms around my torso as if I could feel him holding me like he used to. He would hold me tightly and clench the back of my shirt while I would cling to his chest and hide my face. I can feel tears brimming my eyes from the sudden feelings of loss, desolation, and lifelessness filling my cold, fragile, corpse-like figure.

_I miss you…I…I…I need you…only you…_

I have to leave. NOW. Before he or Haruhi detects anything is wrong because I am now clutching my torso like my life depends on it, and my breathing is hitching. Quickly, I raise my hand and thankfully, Mme Rénauld notices instantaneously as if she was eyeing me the whole time.

"Hitachiin?"

At this, I lower my hand slowly as the class' attention is brought upon me including Hikaru's. I hadn't thought of this. Blushing slightly from the all the eyes staring at me, some with concern, some with disgust, and some with…lust _shudder_, I focus on the pencil on my desk.

"Je peux aller aux toilettes, s'il vous plaît?" I ask softly sounding miserable and pathetic.

Hikaru is eyeing me right now, and he is beginning to worry. I have to reassure him.

"Oui," Mme Rénauld amazingly responds because I was certain that she did not hear me.

I stand up lightly feeling completely…empty, and quickly give the fidgeting Hikaru a soft grin and a slight nod. _I'm fine, don't worry. Don't follow me…_I think to myself trying to relay the message to Hikaru. He seems to have understood, begrudgingly, for now he turns back to writing his next note no dubitably to Haruhi. I pad softly to the front to the teacher's desk, grab the lavatory pass, and quietly exit the room with fifteen pairs of eyes staring at me. I reach the door, step out of the classroom, and close it gently behind me. I can not hold them back any longer. The tears cascade down my face streaming my eyeliner down my cheeks like an avalanche that dishevels the side of a snowy mountain. The warmth of these tears is a shock on the tundra-like plains that are my cheeks. My breathing becomes more ragged as I shakily stumble down the corridor to the nearest boys' bathroom.

When I reach this porcelain sanctuary, I grab on to the rims of the marble sink trembling above the basin. The pain is extraordinary; in a bad way. I do not like to be away from his presence; his light, his radiance, his…_warmth._

Shakily, I turn on the cold water and splash my face cleaning my red eyes from all the streaming eyeliner. Slowly, I lift my head up to examine my face to see how horrible I look. My hair is slightly tousled and my face is dripping black-tinted water from the eyeliner. It stains the white, creaminess of my thin cheeks with black smudges. I go to reach for a soft towel when I stop suddenly; there is Tamaki himself standing behind me with his mouth a gape and his eyes widening in shock. Quickly, I try to grab the towel, but he beats me to it and continues to boldly grasp my chin with his left hand as his right dries my face with the towel. Oh, how Hikaru would totally _kill_ Tono right now if he were here. I can feel a blush creeping up my ears and cheeks from what Tamaki is doing. He doesn't have to do this. Now, he is going to be all worried over me; exactly what I didn't want from anyone.

"Oh! Kaoru!" Tamaki sighs dramatically, "What has troubled you so?"

"It's nothing, Tono, I was just washing off my eyeliner because it was beginning to irritate my eyes," I lie.

"Don't lie to me!" Tamaki growls angrily, "I know that there is something wrong because I've noticed that you have been acting strange lately. What is going on with you?"

"…"

"Please, you can tell Daddy anything!" Tamaki continues pervasively.

I am stunned. I can not say a word. My mouth is hanging open slightly at Tono. How come _idiot_ can notice my inner turmoil, but my twin that has known me since birth can't see it?

Gently, I tug my chin away from Tamaki's hand and he thankfully, releases it. I then turn to look at the mirror and pull out my black eyeliner applicator and reapply the thin black lines encompassing my eyes.

"It's none of your concern, boss," I say brushing the situation off to the side. I really do not want him trying to help because he doesn't quit.

"Oh, but it is, my son!" Tamaki presses on, "You are all my family and I am your father! When something is wrong with one of my children, it automatically becomes Kyuoya's and my concern! So, what is making you cry and tremble so? What is causing you to be a mute? Why are you acting strange around Hikaru, your _twin?_"

My arm twitches as I lower it away from my face after applying the eyeliner. I can feel myself becoming extremely irritated with Tono-sempai, but I do have a longing to confide in someone, even if it is the idiot. Simultaneously, I feel the paranoia creeping up inside of me whispering: _Does he already know about me? About my true feelings?_

I sigh exasperatedly and just shake my head, "You will be the first to know when _I know_ what is wrong with me, ok?"

Tamaki looks at me long and hard, and he bits his lower lip; I can see that I am winning him over. I continue to defend my statement by giving him a cute, half-smile, and he falls for it.

"Alright, you win, but I'm keeping you to your word! You must come to me when you are ready! That is an order! I will always be here for you, Kao-kun!" he beams at me, and then pulls me into a suffocating bear-hug.

"Okay sempai…"

"Now that you are all cleaned up and look chipper!" Tamaki continues as he forces my arm through his to link them together, "I will walk you back to class!"

Begrudgingly, complete with a classic Hitachiin-eye roll, I comply with his tugging and allow him to lead me back to my French class. We approach the classroom door and I idly think to myself: _He wouldn't dare…_Naturally, I'm wrong. _He_ would.

Tamaki opens the door to my French class while Mme Rénauld and everyone in the class including Hikaru and Haruhi turn their heads to stare at us. I can feel my face flush scarlet because Tamaki has reinforced his iron lock around my arm. He turns to face my teacher and I can feel the smirks and suppressed giggles hitting me like a tsunami. I feel really weak, and I am some what annoyed yet grateful for our King's idiocy. If _anyone_ wasn't holding me up right now, I am certain that I would faint from anxiety and humiliation.

"Pardon-nous, madame," Tamaki says fluently, "J'ai fait mon ami plus tard! Je l'ai parlé d'activités de notr'équipe. Je suis désolé!"

"D'accord, mais pas encore," Mme Rénauld responds.

Tamaki then turns to me and says in his 'princely' voice, "Au revoir, mon ami!"

He then leads me over to my desk, pulls out my chair, and makes me sit. My face remains a radiating scarlet. He pats my hand and I feel weaker than when I was standing and a lot more panicky. Tamaki turns, nods to the teacher and walks out of the classroom. I have yet to glance at my twin, but I can feel his intense stare on my demeanor. He's trying to read me, but he's struggling to do so; I can tell. Normally, he would have figured out what was wrong with me within a matter of seconds. Now, it seems he hardly knows me. I let out a sigh and steal a glance in his direction.

My thoughts were wrong. I guess we both lost are close connection because he isn't reading me at all. He's too angry. I can see how livid he is in his eyes which do not stray from my face. The pressure he is applying to the grip on his pencil right now might cause it to snap. I lower my gaze out of shame and self-admonishment. I made him mad somehow. Was it because I left to go to the restroom without him? Normally, we go together or skip class instead. Was it because I came back with Tamaki guiding me? He never liked it when I was with anyone else besides him. Or has he discovered my darkest, my disgusting, and my most desired secret?

I wrap my arms around my stomach because now I feel like I'm going to be sick. I really don't want to be here! I can't be around him like this! It's not normal, nor do I think it is healthy. I have to escape this hell! I can't take it anymore! And I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, once again threatening to fall, but I shut them tight. I refuse to let them fall again. NO ONE must know of my secret, of my pain; of my hell. I just hope he doesn't hate me…

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Yours truly,  
Dauphine


	4. The Memory

**Hey Guys! I'm back with my Thanksgiving day special: THE MEMORY!!!!  
Please! Read and enjoy this chapter!!! REVIEWS ARE ALWAYS WELCOMED!!! :D  
LOVE YOU ALL!!! SORRY FOR THE WAIT!!!  
WARNING::::::DISCLAIMER!!: I don't own the Ouran High School Host Club Characters and there might be some insinuated yaoi :)  
Love ya!  
Dauphine-Blossom**

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Chapter 4: The Memory

I trudge silently down the corridors to the third floor music room for the Host Club meeting. It's almost three. Haruhi and Hikaru went ahead of me because they said that Kyuoya-sempai had wanted them to get something from the library before they came. I didn't even bother to ask to join them because I don't want to feel anymore pain than necessary, and besides, I bet they were lying to me. I know that it would be a perfect opportunity for the both of them to get a little closer, and it will allow Hikaru to accept others closer to his heart other than myself. I know that it will happen sometime, and every time I realize this, I feel the icy claws of pain clench my hurt. It's not fair, but it's life. Why is growing up so hard?

I wrap my arms around my torso and squeeze myself in a pathetic hug. I am exactly that. _Pathétique_. I have no ability to be on my own, or at least, in genuine contentment. I have always needed Hikaru to be whole, to be me; to be happy. Being so alone all the time now, it has affected me gravely. I feel my already petite body growing smaller. Ever since Haruhi entered our lives, Hikaru has tried to individualize himself from me. He wants to be different. He wants to be noticed by Haruhi, and he does not want Haruhi to ever confuse me to be him. _Ever_.

It's hard to explain. He used to be so strongly fixated on never being apart from me and never trying to identify ourselves as different. Then, when Haruhi came, he picked up an interest in her. He liked her; I could tell since the first day she identified both of us correctly. Somehow, he allowed her into our very closed off world. I believe that he didn't want her to ever mistake me for himself. He wanted to be seen as an individual better than his twin, in my opinion, so that she would fall for him and not me. I understand his reasoning and why he would do all this, but…it's still hurtful. Whatever the case may be, it's working because she greets and treats him like a giddy little school girl, while I receive a quick "Hello" or a swift nod of recognition.

It sounds like I'm bashing Haruhi a lot and I guess I am, but I don't really hate her. Not really. She's made my twin the happiest I've seen him in years. I don't think he is ever really bored around her. That is more than I could ever ask for. So, I guess I am thanking her, in a way. I love him way too much; disgustingly too much. That's why I'm happy for the two of them. I want Hikaru to be happy because he is my sun and I am his moon. He is the reason of my existence, and I am his passive, emotional, uke-side-kick.

It's really hard to do our brotherly love act because of his infatuation with Haruhi. I know my days are numbered where I can just bask in his radiance, his warmth. Most of it, if not all of it, is received during our 'fake' acts in front of our squealing customers. I wish they were real. That he was really treating me like he does around our guests. That he would speak to me in hushed, loving tones and pull me a little dangerously too close to him. His mouth hovers centimeters from mine while he covets me possessively.

That is wishful thinking.

We both know it's an act. Our guests and maybe some of the Host Club members are the only people who wouldn't know that. Haruhi detects something unnatural about our relationship, but she is trying to cure this by pulling Hikaru away from me. Her reasoning, I bet, is that it is better for me to fend for myself. Well, she's wrong. Without Hikaru, I am nothing. He is my warmth, soul, _existence_. I can't live without him. I know it's selfish, but it's the truth. I will just whither away without him like a flower without sunlight.

I walk through the hallway with the French windows facing our school's clock tower. It's now five-to-three. I can see all the students bellow in the courtyard bustling to their clubs, sport teams, or their rides home. I sigh and focus my vision and see my reflection in the window. I look horrible. My body used to have feminine curves in the right places to complete my 'uke' look, but now, I just look anorexic. My hair is still the natural strawberry-blonde color, but it looks like I have run my hands through it too many times because it looks disheveled. I just look broken. I have to hide this; my true self. I have to be…_fake_.

_Get it together, Kaoru. You need to be looking decent now, especially since Tamaki and Hikaru are suspicious that something is wrong._

I use the window to study my reflection and fix my hair. Once I am satisfied, I pull the belt around my waist tighter to not let my dress pants hang too low on my hips. I look like an anorexic model. _Wonderful._

I sigh exasperatedly and walk down the rest of the corridor to the Host Club. As I reach out to grab the door handle, a hand reaches out from my right and covers my hand on the door handle. I gasp in surprise and turn to see it is Nekozawa, the light-haired prince of darkness. He holds Berezenef inches away from my face with his other hand, and his hood covers his eyes completing his scary-demeanor. I can feel all the color draining from my cheeks out of fright. _What is he doing outside of the Host Club?? Why did he reach out and grab my hand without announcing his presence? Why hasn't he let go of my hand??!?!_

"Your Prince has informed me that there is something going on with you…he has asked me to use my uncanny skills of slinking through the darkness to spy on you," he says in his dreary, depressing voice, "I didn't know why, and I am not fond of spying. I know that you are probably less willing to confide with me what is going on than with Tamaki, but I felt that I should just tell you that if you ever need someone to talk to, someone outside your circle of friends, or just a place to escape to when life feels too overbearing, you can come cool down in my club room. It's dark and I can give you a private room or lend my ear if you are wanting someone to talk to…my club is just down the hallway from the Host Club. So, please, keep that in mind…"

I was speechless. What was I supposed to say? I was feeling anger towards the idiot who told someone else about me, which was exactly what I didn't want, and I also felt gratitude to Umehito-senpai's kind offer. He didn't pressure me to tell him what was wrong, and I'm glad he decided not to stalk me. That's just creepy.

"Uhm, thank you, Umehito-senpai," I say slowly feeling awkward.

"You can call me Nekozawa…"

"Alright, Neko-kun."

He blushes slightly, nods, and disappears back into the black abyss of shadows in the hallway. I sigh tiredly as I push open the door to the third floor Music Room and an array of dancing flowers spill out as always to flatter all guests. It intrigued me that we could provide so many flowers every day for our clients; however, today, I just felt slightly irritated with them for they reminded me of Tono and his stupidity. How could he just talk to someone else about me? He betrayed my trust! How many other people had he mentioned this to? Above anything else, I hope he didn't tell Kyuoya. That would just make things so much more diff—

"Kaoru," Kyuoya calls as I step past the floral entry way, "I need to speak with you."

I tentatively stare at him with my eyes widening slightly out of anxiety. I try to mask my nerves as best I can to give the illusion that there is nothing wrong with me, but I can tell he sees right through my guise. Begrudgingly, I flopped down in the chair sitting directly across from Kyuoya and his laptop on a mahogany finished table. I idly drew non-existence circles with my pointer finger along the table's glossy sheen and my other hand propped up under my chin pending Kyuoya's intense gaze as he finishes his typing. I fidget slightly and he notices. He knows I'm nervous and feeling vulnerable. I wonder if he will be kind…easy on me?

"You've been acting bizarre lately, Kaoru," he states flatly, "You are affecting profits with your clients. They feel like you aren't as attentive as your brother. Tamaki has confirmed this. He witnessed your breakdown."

Wow, was I wrong. I guess Kyuoya is never nice…

I'm speechless. I honestly don't know how to respond to this so I begin to slowly chew on the inside of my cheek and wrap my arms around myself. I feel messed up. I feel like the room is beginning to spin and my breathing is feeling ragged. I don't like how people notice my suffering. I try so hard to conceal it! I don't want people to know I'm hurting! Then they will want to try and help by addressing the problem! The problem! Hikaru!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I can't breathe! I can't think!!!! My mind is racing and my vision is going, but images are clear as day in my mind! Hikaru! I can't see! Help! Please!!! I'm sorry!!! So sorry! For all the shit I put you and our friends through! I don't want this! I don't want to feel like this, fake, hidden, _dead_! I am dead on the inside! Rotting from the inside out! Please, just save me or let me go because I can't take the state of flux any longer!!! HIKARU!!!! I'm going…going…going…go..in..ng……

"Kaoru? What's happening to you? Kaoru?!?" Kyouya asks feeling worrisome at Kaoru's blank expression, shuddering, and twitching form with his tears streaming down his pale cheeks.

_Thump._

"Kaoru!"

*

"Hey, Hika?"

"Yah, Kao-chan?"

"Can we play something else? You always win this game."

A seven-year-old form of Hikaru set the game controller down with the TV blaring 'Player 1 WINS!'. He gives me a small, almost apologetic smile.

"Sure Kaoru! What do you wanna play?"

"I was thinking we could play…TAG! You're it!"

I am running quickly towards the door glancing over my shoulder to see my brother dumb-struck, but he quickly jumps up to come chasing after me. I giggle and pick up speed in order to escape his grasp. I whip around the corner, dash down the corridor, around another bend and down the main stairwell. Panting, I reach the back door to the patio outside, and I can hear him gaining on me. I give one more burst of speed out into the long grass field running towards the secluded pond. It's our hideout and I'm sure he's figured out where I'm going by now. I hear his pounding footsteps on the path right behind me; it won't be long before he—

"Gotcha!" Hikaru cries out as he jumps on to me knocking both of us over and we roll down the hill in the long grass field down to the willow encircled pond. We stop rolling at the water's edge: me pinned beneath Hikaru. Hikaru, of course, has the biggest grin on his face and it radiates: "I win."

We both start to laugh uncontrollably. He rolls off of me and pulls me up next to him against one of the willows. We are in our hideout; our home from home. I feel so safe; so secure. This is where I want to be: to remain in this blissful reverie where it is warm, secluded, and with my twin…

…it would be even better if my twin would want to be there with me too…I feel something wet sliding down my cheeks. I reach my hand up to touch my face, but his hand beat mine to it. He was wiping away my tears and I look up into his eyes.

Now, he's older; maybe twelve or thirteen. He looks at me with concern and worry in his golden, topaz eyes. He doesn't like it when I'm upset, but quite frankly, I don't know why I started to cry. I guess it's just because I know how wrong it is the way I feel for him, and he just has no idea and doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that being with him is wrong, torturous, tantalizing, intoxicating, and painful, but at the same time, it's right, incredible, wonderful, beautiful, and euphoric bliss.

_There are so many things I want to tell you right now…I wish I could. I wish I could be completely honest with you. I hate lying to you because I'm afraid. Afraid of what you will think: revulsion and disgust for sure. _

"Kaoru, what's wrong?" the Hikaru holding me asks, his voice heightening in worry.

_So many things, Hikaru…do I have to answer? Can't you just hold me; console me? Make this pain, this hurt, this guilt…just go away? No, I guess I'm being unfair to you now. I know this is my fault and my problem. _

I hang my head and I begin to feel claws gripping my legs and arms trying to pull me away from Hikaru. I try to fight and cling to Hikaru.

"Kaoru? Look at me."

_Your voice sounds nervous, yet so commanding. You seem angered. Probably because of my silence. I'm sorry I'm so awful; I don't deserve to be in your life, or…to be your twin…_

"Kaoru! Look at me!"

I shake my head. _I can't…don't look at me…I'm a disgrace…don't worry, I will be alright…I will fix this myself…I will solve my problem…_

"Kaoru…please!…please look at me…please…"

I begin to shake. _I need to be punished. I am terrible. Maybe I should stop fighting and let the demonic claws pull me away from you…you are perfect, flawless, and I…I am tainted…you would be better off without me anyways…I am not worthy…_

"Please…wake up…Kaoru…let me help you…please…I-I…I can't live without you!"

_What did you just say…? _I begin to lift my head up slowly to look him in the eyes. Instead of seeing his face, I am just blinded by light. And there they are: the two pools of liquid gold were glossy from tears. He must have been crying. I blink and my vision becomes more focused, and I now realize where I am. The Third floor Music room with the Kyuoya, Haruhi, Tamaki, Mori, and Hunny all around me. They all look extremely worried…and Hikaru is sitting on the floor hugging me to his chest and silently crying. His strengthens his hold on me when I motion to get up. He firmly keeps me against his chest. I scared him…badly.

"Hikaru…what happened?" I ask, my voice sounding so vacant and distant.

"Y-y-yo-you fell over, and started…writhing, squirming and shaking all over," Hikaru says sounding like he had just been hit by a freight train, "Kaoru, what's wrong? Please, tell me! I will do anything to help you, but please, please! Don't ever do that again…I thought I lost you…"

"What is happening to me…?" I ask more to myself than to anyone in the room.

"Kaoru, you all know that you have had issues maintaining your weight earlier this year and last year. Have you been eating lately?" Kyuoya asks sounding very serious, but calm.

"…"

"You and Hikaru are dismissed from today's activities. Hikaru you are to ensure that your brother eats something tonight and manages to eat at the very least two meals every day, is that clear?" Kyouya continues not waiting for any responses, "It is most likely that Kaoru passed out from fatigue."

Hikaru just nods and Kyuoya calls our limo driver for us. I try to stand up but no one in the club will allow me to. Hikaru ends up picking me up with such ease. I curl up against his chest and he silently carries me downstairs without ever stopping once for a break all the way out to our limo. The driver opens the Mercedes door for us and Hikaru lays me down on the back bench. Then, he lifts my head up so he can sit down and lays my head on his lap. I must admit, exhaustion is overwhelming me and I fall asleep on his lap on our silent trip back home.

*

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**Love,**

**Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood :D**


	5. A Night of Bliss

**Hey y'all!  
I'm back with the follow up chapter!!! :D  
There's a little more promiscuity in this chapter!!! o.0  
Yaoi-Haters be warned!  
WARNING!--- Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club nor it's characters...and some mild boyxboy action and nudity.  
There. You've been sufficiently warned!  
FAN GIRLS ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!  
As always, love you all!**

**~Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood**

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Chapter 5: A Night of Bliss

Night: the time when I am most alive. I awake to find myself in our bed. Hikaru is, like always, guarding me in the bed by spooning me. Tonight, I can tell that he had a tight hold on my body at one point, but now that he was in a deep, stressed-out slumber, I could feel his grip slackening. The moon light is spilling onto our bed from the huge floor-to-ceiling windows illuminating both of our slowly rising and falling forms. I could feel his bare torso against my back. We are synchronized, meant for each other; I just know it. Every night, we sleep in nothing but our boxers; always have. However, tonight my mind is travelling to devious, immoral thoughts; I need to get out.

The night air looks so clear and crisp with the trees beginning to change colors in the background below the horizon with a soft, luminescent glow. It's so beautiful outside; it's my favorite time of the year…I love the spring and the fall with the drastic change of color and scenery. I feel like I could go take a walk out in the cool night air. Hikaru never likes it when I venture off alone, so I try to do it when he is either preoccupied with Haruhi or like now when he's asleep. The still silence of the motionless fountains and the glossy pond outside somehow feel welcoming, as if they have a clue into my inner turmoil. The silence is pure; it is accepting.

I will myself to leave his warmth and his touch…his every ounce of unconditional and unquestioning love…to venture over to our patio doors and out into the night. Before leaving the room, I pull on one of my mother's tailored silky white bath robes and tie it tightly around my lithe waist. I glance once over my shoulder at my twins sleeping form; he is still asleep, probably because I have exhausted him from worry. I frown slightly to see how tense he looks…I am doing this to him: causing him to worry, to stress; to not _live_.

I step outside into the eerily quiet but hospitable glow of the moonlit night, and I walk across the patio down to the extensive lawn. I shiver and wish that I could retain his warmth without feeling like a parasite: only able to live in his radiance. I am killing him, or at the very least, preventing his right to roam, venture, experience new things, and…to live his own life. I feel like I am a burden to him causing more harm than good. I love him so much, I just…I…I-I-…I choke up just thinking about it.

I feel the tears cascading down my colorless cheeks and think: why am I always crying? I'm so weak; so very, very weak…Hikaru, what am I going to do? I feel as if I'm at a crossroads…I have to make a choice that will alter our lives forever. But which way do I go? Do I choose the selfless path and follow my good conscience and mind? Or…choose to be selfish…and follow my heart?

Hikaru, I just want you to hold me and let me feel eternally whole: complete. I don't care what happens to anyone else or even the rest of the world…as long as I am with you…I will be happy.

I stop in front of a small bird fountain that has a still pool of water in it. The fountain is on a waist-high pedestal, and at its base, it is encircled with wild lily-of-the-valley. They bloomed late this year, very late, and still had some small, white, bell-shaped flowers on their frail stalks. I stoop down and pluck one of the thin stalks and bring the flowers to my nose and inhale. It has such a floral scent; it makes me think of all things that are good and all the things that I am lucky enough to have. It makes me think of my brother: his warmth, his inner beauty, his affection, his love for me…as a brother.

It is such an innocent, small, white flower. One time, Hikaru plucked a bunch of them for our room. He said that the scent of the flowers reminded him of me and our close, twin-bond: pure beauty. Whenever he saw them or caught a whiff of their permeating scent, he was reminded of me and how thankful he was that I am his twin. I was extremely flattered at the time.

The Lily-of-the-Valley is such an innocent, small, white flower…it is also one of the most poisonous.

That is what I am to him: a wonderful, close companion that is his poison. I hold him back from growing up and being his own person. I am killing him on the inside and I know it! I need punishment! I do! How could I do this to him?! He loves and cares for me as a good older brother should! And me, I just ruin everything by tainting beauty with poison! My heart and soul are emblazed and burn for his tender love and covetous affection. It is a constant inner battle; my mind has to freeze and nullify every desire and feeling for Hikaru. In doing so, my heart and soul are practically dead: dormant.

I can NOT do this to him and myself. I have to try and splice our bond and allow us to be two individuals instead of one unit.

I shudder at conceiving the thought of living a life without Hikaru because I can't. Am I sick? Do I need help? No, only one person can help me, but he doesn't know what to do…I'm just too confusing.

I owe it to him. If I love him so much, then he takes all priority…which means I love him enough to let him go…Can I do it? Take that huge step into individuality? Am I strong enough to be my own person, and not have to rely fully on my twin? Can I REALLY handle seeing Hikaru with Haruhi on his arm instead of me?

…I really don't know…but there is a first time for everything, I guess…

I will have to try and manage living on my own for his sake. I love him too much to taint or blemish his life with my problem, my disgusting clinginess and obsession…I'm just too terrible to be a part of his purity. I will become closed-off, uninteresting…boring and then he will dispose of me like all of the games or people that bore him too much…and move on to someone else…like Haruhi.

I violently tremble as I bend down to pick one of the Lily-of-the-Valley flower stalks and hold it close to my nose. The scent is so faint and feeble while the flower is starting to show signs of decay. My breathing is hitching as I gasp vast lung-fills of cool, crisp, early-autumn night air. This is going to hurt so much, but it is for the best. It is for Hikaru. As for me…it doesn't matter; I will be happy so long as he is.

I want to gain the flower's innocent properties; I want to go back in time when things were less complicated and there was only Hikaru and me. The silk belt of my robe slackens, and my robe opens up into the crisp, night air. I close my eyes and breathe in a huge gasp of air causing my boxer shorts (that are actually Hikaru's and too big for me) to fall to my ankles completely exposing me. I open my eyes and audibly gasp from the temperature shock, but surprisingly, I don't move to pull them back up. I can hear the flowers whispering; they murmur secrets…secrets that I cannot comprehend. I feel an uncontrollable force pulling my body down into the small garden of flowers, and my robe falls off my shoulders to the ground behind me as I fall forward into the Lily-of-the-Valley.

My body is completely nude in the cool air and I am curled up in decaying, white flowers: I've never felt more in touch with my frozen soul. I feel like I can be anything I want to be right here in this garden completely vulnerable in a good way. There is no hot or cold, good or bad, right or wrong, just the flowers, a motionless fountain, and my naked self. It's a different world where I don't feel the cold and I begin to feel my dormant soul start to defrost and all of my emotions reign free to control me. I shed tears of utter sorrow and hurt mixed with the joy of liberating my true self and blissful innocence. I just cry clutching and holding onto the delicate plants tightly. My whole body is shaking on the ground as every ounce of emotion inside of me is released. The pain is excruciating; my heart is cleaving, spilling out all of its turmoil, all of its hurt. I feel…relief…no more hiding…this is the real Kaoru…wretched, disgusting, a mess, crying, and broken…

I can hear footsteps padding through the grass behind me, and I stop crying to raise my head and see who my assailant is and gasp. A lone fox is coyly skulking across the back lawn rather close to me; it makes me think the fox hasn't even noticed me until it stops dead in its tracks. It is a beautiful creature: strawberry-red fur with flecks of auburn and honey-gold eyes. It is the most majestic animal; it is so small yet cunning, but frightened. He is trying to cross my yard without detection, but I see him. He realizes that he has been discovered and is trying to back away slowly, but I try and coax him to come to me. I softly coo and timidly whistle to the small creature. The fox stops dead in his tracks and stares wide-eyed at me out of fright.

We both hear the opening and slamming of the porch door in the distance followed by a call: "Kaoru?" The fox turns to face the source of the noise and then turns to face me. He seems to have an almost sympathetic countenance; however, I couldn't be sure, for the fox proceeds to dart quickly to the other side of the yard down by the willow trees. I follow the fox's flight with my eyes until the bushy red tail disappeared under one of the veils of the massive willows, and I turn back to the house and see Hikaru frantically looking for me.

It doesn't take long for him to spot me; however, when he finally sees me, he halts. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. I cock my head and dare to look at his face to read his expression: utter fright and shock. What is causing him to act so strangely? It can't be because I'm naked: we change in front of each other all the time. Than what is it? I feel like I am indecent and extremely vulnerable. Why am I so self-conscious around him?

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Hikaru yells, and he jumps off the patio and proceeds to run as fast as he can towards me with a wild look in his eye.

_What? What are you saying Hikaru?_

"STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER! THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY! KAORU!!!" Hikaru screams as he approaches where I am lying naked.

Questioningly, I turn my head to look over my shoulder and squint through tear-filled eyes to the yard behind me. Then my eyes widen from shock and embarrassment. There are three people there: two people taking pictures, and the other one is holding a video camera.

I cannot suppress myself from screaming.

Before Hikaru could reach me and managing to stay low to the ground, I scramble to grab the silken bathrobe my mother made for me, and I cover my exposed body. Hikaru reaches me but continues to plow past me running straight for the trespassers. I wrap the silk robe around my frail frame tightly and motionlessly watch my flailing brother chase after the cameramen to the edge of our property. They jump into an already standing van waiting for their return, and their ride speeds off causing the tires to screech.

"COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLES!!!" Hikaru cries after them in the street giving up the pursuit and throwing his cell phone in the direction of the distant van. His cell phone shatters and he swears loudly. I stay completely still, my mouth slightly agape.

He is mumbling to himself as he approaches me striding across the lawn briskly in frustration. I am at a loss for words. What do I say? How do I explain this?

He is in front of me now, silent. I am panicking! What do I say!? He won't understand! It's because I leave him out! I'm so cruel! I am pushing him away from me! I am causing this drift, this problem! It's all me! Me, me, me, me, me, ME!!!

"Do you have anything to say, at all?" Hikaru asks his voice dangerously low; I can tell he is biting back his anger and aggravation.

My eyes are watering as I stare up into my twin's face.

"Hikaru…I-I…I'm…I'm sorry…" I sputter out pathetically.

"What were you doing out here by yourself so early? Why were you being so careless? WHY WERE YOU NAKED?!?"

"Hika-…I can't-…I just…please don't-" I try to reply, but he's already pulling me up into his strong embrace. I am full out crying again.

"What's wrong Kaoru? Why are we growing distant? What am I doing wrong? Why am I losing you?"

I choke, "Hika, it's not you…"

"If it's not me, then why are you doing this to yourself…not eating, not sleeping, crying, avoiding me…you're not yourself at all. What has happened to you, to us?"

"Oh, Hikaru!" I cry out and collapse my entire body weight against him burying my face into his neck. He doesn't budge; he wants an answer.

"It's because I'm disgusting…wretched, awful, terrible…and so very cold…so cold…" I mumble into his chest feeling the numbness of the arctic frost overwhelming my senses, heart, and soul.

"Kaoru, how could you think any of those things? I am positive that the one I love is none of those things you just said."

"…what did you just say?"

"I said: that is not the Kaoru that I know and love."

"You l-l-lo-love me?"

"Kaoru, I've always loved you."

I close my eyes and then it happened: his smooth but firm lips brushed up against my own beautifully. His hold on me strengthened as he deepened the kiss. We are a perfect match: meant for each other. My head is spinning so fast it feels as if we are flying and leaving our yard in a whirlwind of passion and love. Then we break apart with a pleasant smooching sound to take a much needed breath.

"K-Kao-r-r-ru?" Hikaru whispers timidly shaking me.

I open my eyes to find myself lying on top of Hikaru wrapped in silky sheets with a certain nether region rushing with passionate, sticky heat.

*

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**So! Let me know what you think!!! :)**

**Oh! Just as a precursor/preview of the next Chapter: definitely incorporating some of Hikaru's thoughts :D  
Thank you and shouty to Keela1221!!!!!!!!!**

**Love you all!  
~Dauphine 33333**


	6. Ugly Euphoria

**Hey y'all! it's been a reallllllllyyyyy long time!**

**It's your girl Dauphine again bringing you a short, but incredibly powerful chapter in the L'Amour Prohibe.**

**I'm so sorry to have kept you all waiting, it's literally been months and i don't blame you if you've given up on me! I've had this story in mind but i've been crazy busy with school, but now i'm on an internship with my school and i have some spare time during the week to read, write, edit, revise and post! hopefully i will be able to keep it up during the summer! lol**

**please read and review! (it's short, so it shouldn't take too long at all lol!)**

**Thanks again!**

**Love you all!  
~Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood**

**btws:  
ATTENTION: I do not own the characters of Ouran High School Host Club.  
WARNING: Mild yaoi, twincest :p (very mild, no worries!)**

**you've been warned!**

Chapter 6: Ugly Euphoria

Slowly, I am beginning to awaken from that blissful dream; however, my eyes remain steadfastly shut. My current state of mind is half conscious-halfway dreaming. I feel his warmth beneath my body radiating and permeating through every single one of my pores rekindling and electrifying my passionate emotions, fragile heart, and decaying soul. I feel anew; I feel as if this is beyond a dream…It's euphoria. How could something so morally wrong and disgusting feel so right and natural?

I try convincing myself that this isn't happening to me and that this is just a dream within a dream, but deep down, I know that it is futile: this is the cruel reality. I lay here on top of my gorgeous, god-like, but perturbed twin half-naked with a throbbing, sticky erection, but I feel as if I am flying, soaring through the wondrous air: alive and breathing. I'm not hiding it anymore; it's so liberating, but is this the way I wanted him to find out?

Every silent, still second has a more sobering effect on my dream-induced mind. Begrudgingly, I force my eyes to flutter open sleepily. There he is: wide-eyed with...shock? Fear? Anger? Confusion? I don't even know…I can't read him at this moment and reality hits me like a cruel bucket of ice water, and I leap up off him with such force that I clear pass the side of our bed landing very ungracefully on my back. Hikaru sits up, still wide-eyed shuffling in the bed scraping his heels against the silken bed sheets in what appeared to be an attempt to distance himself from me. He carried this ugly expression upon his face of utter repulsion with his terrified, yet dagger-like eyes piercing straight through my mangled heart.

_What am I going to do? What is he thinking! Oh, God, If you can hear me, take me away now! Far, far away! I've messed up big time! My cover is blown! He HATES me…I can see it…he doesn't want to be around…sobs…he doesn't want to be…heaves…he doesn't love…gasps…I'm so, so…terrible. I need to get out of here! _

I can feel his eyes staring after me as I dart to our bathroom, and my fragmented heart is currently being sucked into the dark, empty cavity of my stomach sparking my nausea. I reach the bathroom, slam and lock the door, and deposit the minimal contents of my stomach into the toilet. I'm profusely crying: ragged, painful tears that could literally choke you to death. I'm hyperventilating from sorrow and simultaneously dry heaving from the nausea making me feel as though all that is left is my stomach itself to cough up. I've never felt such utter despair and pain before in my lifetime; it is overwhelming and I cannot find my breath.

I'm losing my hearing rapidly and my vision is becoming blotchy…I can't focus…all I can think about is Hikaru's face of disgust when looking at me…

My vision is black, but his liquid amber orbs still are imprinted in my mind with their fear, shock, horror, and hatred for…

I can feel myself falling over on my side and my consciousness fading…the darkness and the arctic claws are creeping through my veins. Even as my vision is shrouded by the black realm of unconsciousness, my mind only sees those fierce, amber eyes piercing me with golden arrows of revolt…

**Hey guys! Let me know what you thoughts are so far! **

**Get ready for the next chapter! Potentially hearing the other side of the story! :p**

**Sorry for the cliff hanger :p**

**Love you!**

**-Dauphine **


	7. Hot 'n' Cold

Hello again! I'm back! So sorry for the long long long long LONG wait! This is a very emotional chapter...so please bare with me! it is brief but has a lot of emotions on both sides.

As for the previous chapter, it was about a nightmare Kaoru had and he woke up to having a sticky erection on Hikaru! :p

Here's the aftermath thoughts:

reviews please are greatly appreciated!

Love you all for patiently waiting!

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club characters. Also, some gay love twincest insinuated. :p

Sincerely,

Dauphine Blossom Wildewood

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Chapter 7: Hot n' Cold

_Hikaru pov_

_What just happened? Did this really just happen? Kaoru, I know that we're getting older and hitting puberty, but do you need to have a wet dream on me? God damn! I'm covered in my twin's jizz! This is so awkward…_

_That must have been one hell of a dream he was having because he got me aroused too…ugh! This is so wrong on so many levels…why did this happen?_

I sigh and pull the sheets up getting out of our bed. I pull three or four Kleenex tissues from the box and wipe up the sticky mess on my stomach. I through the tissues out and remove my boxers. My erection is still throbbing, weird. I'm not asleep anymore…I wasn't having one of "those" dreams…I think it was because of having _someone_ in close contact with me who just so happened to also be aroused…

Because that makes perfect sense…

What does this mean? Am I gay? Do I look at boys and get a full hard-on? Am I a boy concealing some hidden fairy? Why haven't I asked myself this before?

_I never asked myself if I was gay…because I was sure that I was attracted to girls…_

Technically, I've never had a girlfriend, but I have been 'courting' or chasing, rather, Haruhi…but do I really like her?

I'm so confused…I don't know anymore…why am I even thinking I'm gay? I didn't consciously make Kaoru jizz.

_Well, I guess waking up with your twin cumming all over you in his sleep with you waking and having an aching erection is pretty suspicious…_

My skin feels hot from embarrassment and shock. This is going to be a start to a very, VERY awkward day.

_Kaoru pov_

The door is locked, but my hand does not waiver from a tight grip upon its handle. My vision gets hazy, and I feel my body crumple to the cold tile floor with my right hand still refusing to detach from the door handle. I am panting, panting, panting…my heart is racing, racing…my vision re-focuses briefly only to blur again from hot tears plummeting to their dastardly fate on the tiles below.

_I am screaming, screaming, SCREAMING! Can't you hear me? Can't you hear me God? Why now? Why us? Why me? _

The coldness is overwhelming this time…I cannot function. My veins are freezing over, and I feel as if my fingers, hands, toes, and feet are losing their feeling. Though my heart is racing, it cannot seem to stimulate the nerves in my extremities, and my head is going numb.

I brace myself and shift my right hand off the door handle to the drawer below the sink. Wrenching it open was the most strenuous act; I grab Lucifer.

I am pleading, pleading…_please don't let this happen_…

I grip him so tightly, my fingers are bone white. He is coaxing me to lay with him, for him to take over, for him to kiss my skin, for him to fix me…

_Please, please, no…don't…only Hikaru can fix me…stop, please…_

I can feel myself going numb all over, soon I will lose all feeling…I need Hikaru…

_…just this once._

_Lucifer kisses my belly…1…2…3...10 times and my shoulders…1…2…3…10 times and my arctic body thaws, roaring back into existence…_

A small smile graces my tear-stained face, and I proceed to stand, lay Lucifer back to rest in his domain and turn on the shower to wash away evidence of his touch…

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Reviews Please! Thank you for reading! Stay posted for the next chapter!

-Dauphine


	8. The Day of Silence

**Hey guys...**

**Don't kill me, i know...I haven't updated in FOREVER...I'm such a terrible author...  
i get a lot of writer's block and then i just forget about the stories i have committed to because of the "bajillion" other things going on in my life.**

**So, Here's the next chapter to L'amour prohibe!**  
**DISCLAIMER!:::::I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS/PLOTS OF OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB!**

**Please leave reviews! I want to hear what you all think! (other than I suck at posting new chapters lol)**  
**Much love and Happy Holidays,**

**Ms. Dauphine Wildewood**

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Chapter 8: The Day of Silence

Hikaru POV

This sticky situation is plummeting my mood, mind, and thoughts into a deranged awkwardness. Kaoru, my Kaoru, had a wet dream in his sleep; on me…

That's so weird! But something about the thought…

He was kinda cute making all those mewing sounds in his sleep…who would have thought Kaoru could grown up to be so cute?

…because sharing a bed with your brother when you're sixteen is totally normal…

I sigh and grab a clean towel from our closet and proceed to our bathroom door to take a shower. Naturally, Kaoru locked the door and I could hear the shower running, so I knocked as politely as possible. He was probably still delicate about the whole scene from earlier…ironically, I am handling it well…it's weird, but somehow I'm glad this happened.

Who knows? Maybe he's dreaming about _someone_ attractive…

"Hey, Kaoru?"

I wait for a few seconds and hear the water shut off and the ruffling of the shower curtain being pulled back. 'Sounds like he is relinquishing the bathroom after all. Can't hide from me, Kaoru. _You're mine_.'

I mentally slap myself and shake off that last thought. The door opens and the steam billows out into our bedroom. I take one look at my twin, and I cannot restrain my eyes from wandering up and down his petite, slender form from his strawberry blonde wisps to his creamy white thin legs poking out from his bathrobe. I feel an inner beast inside me roar wanting to pounce on my little kitten and I can begin to feel my cock twitch in my boxers again. _FUCK._

Has he always had this effect on me? I shiver in nervousness and now restrain my inner wolfish desires.

"Sorry," Kaoru apologizes blushing and not looking at me.

"Just wanted to rinse myself off," I say smiling broadly at him, almost _hungrily._

I walk in to the bathroom without closing the door, strip and hop into the hot stream of water.

Kaoru's POV

He impales me with his eyes; I am wearing my robe, but I feel as though I am completely nude in front of him. He has unconsciously cast a spell on me, a spell of entrancement. I can no longer function like a brother around him. I feel so repulsive…_how can you just smile at me like this is ok, like you want this?_

I feverishly blush as he strips and brushes past me to get into the shower. He has put me into such a trance that I am unable to move. Why does this have to happen? Why can't we be normal? Why am I insanely jealous of Haruhi's relationship with him? Why can't we just be like the other hosts? Why do we have to perform together, to lead to these incestuous desires?

_I would love him even if we weren't hosts…_

I hear the water shut off, and the fear resurges inside of me: that I might act brashly. He emerges from the bathroom behind me. I can tell; his breath is on my neck. I stifle the urge to purr, but gasp audibly instead, shivering incessantly. I don't know what to do. I should run! He is coming close, dangerously close. His heartbeat is reverberating rhythmically and passionately against my left shoulder blade, and his warmth shackles me to his body. _He keeps me so well…_

I am starting to hyperventilate. _This isn't happening! I should go! Go! GO!_

He strips the robe past my shoulder and tenderly tastes my flushing skin. My pulse quickens to such an intensity that I can no longer judge right or wrong, good or bad, or measure time itself. I am transfixed in such a euphoric state that all I can see is light.

"Hika-chan…" I breathe.

He turns my body around and lifts my cadaverous face, and he tenderly kisses my lips. The floor is falling from below us, the room is spinning, the heat is comforting, and the light is cradling us so lovingly. He wants me too, he wants me too, he wants me too…I could die from such bliss. His grows hungry and greedy for my taste, engulfing my lips, prying open my mouth, tangoing with my tongue and charting out my mouth in its entirety. I do not deny him; I encourage his venturing playfully tickling his roaming tongue with my own. He pulls me into his body, closer, with his heat cascading over my frozen soul rekindling a dormant organism.

I wish I could see his face, but all I can see is white light. The light becomes splotchy, with darkness encroaching all around me. I struggle and fight to keep my consciousness for this one moment, the moment that I would give anything for. I feign off the darkness for as long as I can, but it is too much. The heat, the emotions, the tongue, the desires, the knowledge of reciprocated love; I cave to the darkness.

The last I hear of him: "I love you, Kaoru."

_Hikaru's POV_

He tastes so good, like the sweetest honey and vanilla. So pure, so right; what I've wanted, what I've been searching for, what I've longed for.

"I love you, Kaoru."

I feel the small body of his go limp in my arms and the fear hits me like a charging rhinoceros. My stomach feels damp.

I look down to see Kaoru's white bathrobe is stained red. The rhinoceros turns to make a second wave of fear making me shake. I remove the robe and see the ten damnable, irreversible kisses from Lucifer. They scar Kaoru's beautiful, white, inverted stomach with crimson words of self-mutilation.

"KAORU!"

Tears.

Tears.

Tears. Where are you Kaoru?

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**Please leave your thoughts or comments! I'm thinking about throwing a curve ball in the upcoming chapters...**

Thanks again!


	9. Awake

Chapter 9: Awake

I am dreaming. The light is so heavenly. I've never felt so weightless before. The power of his warmth, his touch, his love…Ironically, I feel more alive now even though I know I am dreaming. Everything is so soft and warm…no more coldness. My heart, though it feels faint, is no longer frozen. It has melted into liquid gold sustaining me.

I need to see him. He has done this for me. Hikaru! You've saved me! You've brought the warmth back to my body! I feel revived!

Please! PLEASE! Wake up body! I need to see him!

The light splotches my vision as I blink my eyes open.

Blink.

The outlines of figures around me.

Blink. Beep.

The beeping of some sort of machine.

Blink. Beep. Gasp.

The cooling flow of air fluttering under my nose.

Blink. Beep. Gasp. Wheeze.

I cough and splutter and my vision returns.

"Doctor! The patient has awoken!" a young nurse calls excitedly running from the room with a clipboard in hand to retrieve the doctor.

"KAORU!" I hear him.

"hika-…hika-…rr-rr…rr-rru," I wheeze and seize into a coughing fit.

"KAORU! Let me THROUGH! HE'S MY TWIN! KAORU! I'M COMING!" Hikaru calls after me by door where two nurses try to keep him out, "LET GO OF ME!"

Awake, I shakily lift my arm up trembling towards him. I'm so weak…and I see the I.V. in my wrist and my pulse quickens. My breathing hitches as my setting starts to make sense in my head and anxiety fills my lungs. I've been terrified of the Doctor since I was very young.

I start to wriggle in my bed meekly calling to him tears streaming down my cheeks, "-ehh-rru!"

Gasping my stomach sears with pain. Remembering my awful past, memories of submitting to a straight edged-Lucifer for coping with my self-disgust causes me to cry out. Hikaru…what have I done?

"LET GO!" he barks breaking through the two nurses hostilely.

He reaches my bedside and scoops my writhing, aching body into his gentle embrace lovingly. He rocks me slowly shushing my cries and whimpers, and I clamp onto his neck for dear life. I've never felt so confused.

"Shhhh, Kaoru," Hikaru whispers softly blowing on my neck, "I'm right here. I've been waiting for you to wake up. You've had me so worried. I love you, Kaoru. I LOVE you."

I can only weep and say, "I've always loved you Hika…plea-…please-…please don't hate me. I'm-…I'mm so sorry…"

He pulls away from me to look me straight in the eye. Holding the tip of my chin firmly, he stares through my eyes and into my heart and soul saying deeply, "How could I hate the one I truly love? The one I would knock out two nurses to see? You, the one I would abandon our family, friends, and school for. You, the one I would go to the devil himself to take you back if you had died. You, Kaoru. You are the one I love, and there's no escaping me, got that?"

All I can feel are his touches as he pulls me against his strong chest and closes his lips over mine in the tenderest kiss. A kiss that went beyond our love for each other; a kiss that bound us to a damnable fate; a kiss that expressed what true devotion is.

I've never felt more alive. Together, we are so strong. Together, I can face anything.

Now, we can live.

_Fin._


End file.
